he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
