She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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