im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
