You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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