no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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