Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Randomize
