He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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