Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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