Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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