so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
