Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
