good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
