A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
