Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
