good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
