i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
