i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
