I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
You're a waste of cheezeits
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize