So drunk its hurt
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
