There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
