I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
