I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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