I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize