someone threw a dead crab at me
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
