I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
