I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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