hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
