it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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