I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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