in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
