ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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