I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
