I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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