he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
