i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
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