accomplished twins. life is a go
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
