apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
