it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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