what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
