At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
