You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize