I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
