you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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