You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize