Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
