and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
