Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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