I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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