i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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