do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
