John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
