Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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