I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
