Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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