Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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