So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
4 words: hood of his car
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
