Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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