Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
