I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
