Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
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