Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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