You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
