drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
