Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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