I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Sext me about skeletons
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
