I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
